The Utterly Useless (But Completely Accurate) Guide to Writing a Book

Right then, grab a brew, settle down, and welcome back to the Substack!

After hosting over 400 interviews on the show and chatting with everyone from shiny New York Times bestsellers and telly celebrities to the absolute grafters in the indie scene, we’ve noticed a running theme. Behind the glossy covers and the articulate podcast answers, every single author goes through the exact same chaotic, biscuit-fuelled misery to get their book done.

So, to celebrate our recent bump to number 3 in the top UK writing podcasts, we thought we’d share the definitive, completely foolproof, and absolutely ridiculous guide to writing your masterpiece.

If you’re currently staring at a blinking cursor, this one’s for you.

Step 1: The Ritual of "Getting Ready" to Write.

Before a single word is typed, one must prepare. This is a highly technical process that involves absolutely zero writing.

• The Kettle Marathon: You cannot write without tea. Boil the kettle. Make a tea. Forget you made the tea. Boil the kettle again.

• The Desk Feng Shui: That stack of post needs sorting right now. The pens must be colour-coordinated. Is that a speck of dust on the skirting board? Better hoover the entire house just to be safe.

• The Seductive Glow of Social Media: You only opened Twitter to "check the writing community hashtag." Three hours later, you are embroiled in a heated debate about whether an em dash is morally superior to a semicolon. (It is, obviously).

Step 2: The Outline (Also Known as "The Lie We Tell Ourselves")

We always ask our guests if they are a "Pantser" or a "Plotter." What we don't say out loud is that both methods eventually lead to the same puddle of tears on the keyboard.

If you are a Plotter, you will spend six weeks building a glorious, multi-coloured Excel spreadsheet. You will know exactly what your protagonist’s great-aunt had for breakfast in 1842. By Chapter 3, your protagonist will inexplicably steal a horse, run away to sea, and absolutely ruin the spreadsheet.

If you are a Pantser, you will smugly write "Chapter One" and let the muse guide you. By Chapter 12, you will realise you have introduced fourteen subplots, a magical glowing orb that does nothing, and you've forgotten the main character's name.

Pro Tip from the Show: When in doubt, have a secondary character walk through the door with a gun. Or a pizza. Honestly, at 2 AM, the pizza is more believable.

Step 3: The Mid-Draft Crisis.

This usually hits around the 40,000 word mark. This is the stage where every author we interview admits they wanted to throw their laptop into the nearest canal.

The symptoms of the Mid-Draft Crisis include:

• Convincing yourself that you are a fraud and a hack.

• Deciding the plot would be much better if it was set in space instead of modern-day Yorkshire.

• Crying.

• Consuming an entire packet of Chocolate Hobnobs in a fugue state.

Just push through. The first draft isn't supposed to be good; it’s just supposed to exist. It’s the literary equivalent of throwing mud at the wall and hoping some of it vaguely resembles a plot.

Step 4: The Delusion (Practising Your Interview)

This is the most crucial step of the writing process. When the writing gets too tough, stop what you are doing, stare out the window, and imagine being interviewed by us on the livestream.

Practise your witty banter. Imagine how casually you'll say, “Well, yes, the initial draft practically wrote itself, really.”Think about the backdrop you’ll use for your webcam—maybe a tasteful mahogany bookshelf with strategically placed awards?

Visualise the YouTube comments saying, "Wow, they are so profound!" instead of the reality, which is usually "Is your microphone on mute, mate?"

Step 5: The End (For Now)

You type "The End." You are a golden god. You have birthed a universe.

...Until tomorrow, when you have to start the edits and realise you accidentally changed the villain’s eye colour four times in one chapter. But that's a problem for Future You. Present You deserves a pint.

Over to you! What stage of the writing process are you currently trapped in? Drop your miseries in the comments below so we can all feel better about ourselves! 😁